You Know Them by the Brown Patch They Wear

These are the newbies—all decked out with sea sickness stuff and white as winter’s first snow.

My husband and I exchange a knowing smile when we see them, but not so long ago, that was us too. My spouse boarded his first cruise with more sea sickness remedies than CVS, the brown scopolamine patch among them.

But he didn’t use a thing.

I don’t have any data to back this up—only what people have told me—but it seems that sea sickness is the top—or at least, among the top—reasons that people who travel don’t cruise. A big part of this is the misconception about the amount of movement they’ll feel on the ship. Maybe that’s because for most of us, our experience of being on the water has been in a small motorboat, sailboat, rowboat, kayak or canoe—where even the smallest wake looks like a tidal wave.

I’m not going to say you never feel movement on a cruise ship. But these ships are so large and

Rough seas?

solidly built that unless you’re in or near a storm, the most you’ll feel is a gentle dip from side to side, from time to time. And if you’re doing the cruise right, you’ll be so distracted you won’t even notice.

The cruise lines want you to try their ships and come back again and again, so they work hard to make sure their guests are comfortable. That means building ships with stabilizers, changing their course to find the calmest waters and traveling at slow speeds.

Fear of boredom is another often-mentioned reason for not trying a cruise. I get this mostly from men. How either gender can get bored with basketball, swimming, ping pong, movies, lectures, spa, gambling, games and contests, ice sculpting demos, art auctions, bingo, bridge, board games, computer classes, cooking demos, galley tours, dancing lessons, singing, comedy, magicians, karaoke…is just beyond me. Then on some of Royal Caribbean’s ships,

Boredom?

throw in surfing, rock climbing, ice skating, zip lining and miniature golf, ice shows and water shows. On some of Celebrity’s, glass-blowing demos and lawn croquet.  

If all else fails, there’s sitting on the balcony with your favorite person, a glass of wine or mug of coffee, a good book and watching the world go by, one wave at a time.

And this is just what’s on the ships.

At the ports, you’ll find activities ranging from bus tours for the sedentary to parasailing for the adventure-seeking.

Crowds?

One of the reasons I stayed away from cruises for so long was terror at the thought of being stuck in the middle of the ocean with thousands of strangers. That there would be crowds everywhere I went. It’s true that at times, you are well aware that there are a few other people besides yourself on board. Particularly during the muster (safety) drill, or when trying to find a place to park yourself around the pool when it’s sunny, in the theater at night (go early!) or cafeteria on a sea day.

Holland America's signature dessert

But, it’s amazing how often you can be standing on one of the decks and be completely alone. Or find a nook or cranny no one else has discovered.

I saved my favorite cruise misconception for last. I’ve had more than one person—inevitably, a female—tell me they won’t take a cruise because there’s too much food. It’s hard to know what to say to this one. Food is one of life’s supreme pleasures. You’re on vacation—enjoy it!

 

 

Laugh Track

In case your cruise travel companions are not entertaining enough, fear not, the mass market cruise ships have a lot going on to keep you laughing from the day you board to the day you get off. 

First, there are the contests. You’ll often find a hairy legs or belly flop contest around the main pool, which gives five minutes of fame to some gregarious (and often inebriated) guys and laughs for the rest of us.

Often, the ships feature comedians as headliners for the evening entertainment, some of whom have been on television. Sometimes, the comedians will do additional special performances late at night, when the kids are safely asleep, and their humor can get more risqué.

Then there are the game shows, like the “Marriage Game.” Most of the major ships have some version of this takeoff on the '60s/'70s “Newlywed Game.” If you never saw it, here’s how it works: three couples who have been married different lengths of time are chosen from the audience. The men and women are separated and sequestered, and when they come back together, must guess how their spouses answered a variety of questions.

As you might surmise, the questions are about as provocative as you can get—ranging from “Where was the most unusual place you ‘did it’?” to “What’s your wife’s bra size?” and perhaps the most dicey one I’ve heard, “If your wife died, which of her friends or family would you marry?”

You don’t need alcohol to find the laughs during this often raucous event. But you will need to go early to get a seat—its reputation has spread, and the small theaters fill up quickly.

Aside from the formal entertainment, some of the cruise lines feature crew talent shows. While you may not at first glance think this is going get you giggling, you need to see one for yourself. On a recent Princess trip, we signed up for a galley (kitchen) tour and were surprised to see it kicked off with crew skits, emceed by an Eastern European who had us in stiches. We were almost disappointed to start the tour.

And while we’re on the subject of the crew, even some of the cruise directors think they’re comedians. Some are not so successful. Others, more so. Particularly when they share the wacked out things we cruisers say, like this one: “Does the crew sleep on board?”








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Making the Cruise Your Own

Every time I tell my mother I’m taking a Caribbean cruise, she asks the same thing, “Why do you like cruising so much?” Since I’m about to go on #13, you can imagine I’ve heard this quite a bit.

 It’s a fair question and I thought I’d attempt to answer it, and in the process, maybe convince some people flirting with the idea of cruising to give it a try. So, here goes:

·        You can make your cruise your own. You may be sharing space with a lot of other people, but your experience will be truly your own.  

You can spend the entire trip glued to a lounge chair by the pool, a novel resting on your navel, or holed up in your cabin living on (free!) room service.

Or, run from ping pong to basketball to pool Marco Polo. Play the slots, down some shots or comb the shops.

Dance ‘til dawn, karaoke with the crowd or flip channels on your stateroom TV.

It’s totally up to you.

·        It’s a great value. Do the math—plan a virtual trip on land and add up the cost of airfare, transportation to and from the hotel, rental car, hotel, food and entertainment. Then compare it to the cost of a cruise.

 

·        It’s the Caribbean. Around-the-year warmth, water so clear and blue that it seems almost unnatural, sand so soft it feels like talcum powder. What more needs to be said?

Table with a water view on HAL's Zuiderdam

·        It’s not flying. I’ve said this before. Boarding the ship generally takes minutes, not hours. There are no luggage restrictions—you can take whatever can fit in your little cabin. And you unpack just once. Your biggest responsibility every day is getting out of bed. And you don’t even really have to do that.
 

·        A water view everywhere, all the time. Some people go to great lengths to find a restaurant or hotel by the water. Think of it—on a cruise, you can have a water view at all three meals, and every time in between.

·        It’s stress-free travel. No searching for restaurants, running from one hotel to another, lugging luggage, navigating new streets. Cruising is the ultimate in relaxation. Partly because the cost of using a cell phone and Internet is so high, it forces you into detox.

All kidding aside, few experiences can match the serenity of sitting on your balcony, chilled white wine in hand, staring at the sea. We’ve fallen asleep out there so many times that “Want to sit on the verandah?” has come to mean “Want to take a nap?”

 

If I could sum it all up in one sentence, it would be this: it’s perhaps the only vacation where when it’s over, you don’t feel like you need another one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ice Skating on the Ocean

Want to go ziplining today? Ice skating tomorrow? Play croquet on the lawn the following day? Take a cruise!

Croquet by the sea

These are not excursion activities—you can do each one of these onboard a mainstream cruise ship. The cruise lines keep pumping out new and bigger ships—trade association CLIA reports that in 2012, 12 new ships were launched with 17,774 additional beds.
 

A rocky climb to a higher deck

With all these extra beds to fill, the cruise lines keep trying to outdo themselves with new ways to vie for vacationers. It’s not enough these days to just have port stops, private islands, all the food you could want, multiple pools, lectures, contests, shows and comedians, libraries, Internet cafes, entertainment everywhere all the time, dance lessons, cooking demos, TVs in every stateroom, shops, art auctions, bingo games…



The innovations are good news for you and me—it means there’s always a new “wow” right around the corner. And there are already plenty of wows to keep us captivated right now. See if you can match up the following activities with one of these cruise lines—Celebrity, Royal Caribbean, Princess or Holland America (answers are at the bottom):

Making a splash on the wave machine

1.  Ziplining
2. Outdoor movie theater
3. Ice skating rink
4. Lawn croquet
5. Carousel
6. Indonesia tea ceremony
7. Surfing
8. Glass-blowing demos
9. Rock-climbing

Royal Caribbean has some novelties about to debut this November on the new 167,800-ton Quantum of the Seas. Bumper cars and a sky-diving simulator are only two of the coming attractions for the thrill-seeking set. If you've never cruised before because you're worried you'll get bored, you might want to think again!

Answers to quiz above:
1) Royal Caribbean; 2) Princess; 3) Royal Caribbean; 4) Celebrity; 5) Royal Caribbean; 6) Holland America; 7) Royal Caribbean; 8) Celebrity; 9) Royal Caribbean